Translation of the song 春节自救指南 artist Rainbow Chamber Singers

阿甘他妈说过

Forrest Gump's mother said

人生就像一块巧克力

Life is like a box of chocolates

你永远不知道下一块是什么味道

You never know what you're gonna get

就像你每一次回家

Exactly like that, whenever you come home,

也完全不知道你的亲生父母和各种亲戚

You don't know it at all, what question would

又要给你出什么样的考题

Your biological parents and various relatives put to you

这种期待见面却不知道对面招数的设定

You may expect to meet them but don't know what they'll do on you

我们称之为

We call this

薛定谔的春节

Schrödinger's Spring Festival

大姨：

Eldest Aunt:

哟 还知道回来呐

Oh, I thought you forgot to come back home!

亲戚众：

Relatives:

哟 来啦 哪能胖了嘛(上海话)

Wow, here you come, you got fatter (In Shanghainese)

幺儿 耍朋友没得嘛(四川话)

Little son, have you got a girlfriend? (In Sichuanese)

这不是你二儿子 怎么又胖啦(某东方言)

Is he your second son? Why is he getting fat? (In X-dong dialect)

哎妈 这不士超嘛(东北话)

Shit, it's Shichao, right? (In Northeast Chinese dialact)

七姑：找对象了没?

Seventh Aunt: Got a mate?

主：木有

Me: No

七姑：有喜欢的人了没?

Seventh Aunt: Fall in love with someone?

主：我丑

Me: I'm ugly

七姑：那么明天带你去相亲 抓紧快减个肥

Seventh Aunt: So I take you to your date tomorrow; Lose weight as soon as possible.

亲戚众：饭就憋吃啦

Relatives: Stop eating

大舅：托福准备只靠说

Eldest Uncle: You say you're preparing for TOEFL

大舅妈：什么都不做

Eldest Uncle's wife: But you don't practice at all

大舅：我要是你我就不出国

Eldest Uncle: Were I you, I wouldn't go abroad

大舅妈：不出国

Eldest Uncle's wife: I wouldn't leave

二叔：一个月工资有多少

Second Uncle: How much salary a month?

到我单位工作要不要~~??

Join my institution, OK?

亲戚众：都是为你好

Relatives: We want the best for you

爸爸妈妈很伤心 都是为你好

Your parents got sad. They do it all for you

大姨：宝贝儿子在日本

Eldest Aunt: My dear son in Japan

刚读完研究僧

Has just achieved a master's degree

一不小心奉子成了婚

Unwittingly, got shotgun marriage

还考上个公务员 哈哈哈哈哈

And got an offer of civil servant, hahaha

主人公：

Me:

不要再说啦(有人敲门)

Please stop (Someone's knocking at the door)

我快受不了啦(快去开门)

I can't stand it (Open the door now)

爸爸妈妈(到底是谁)

Dad, mom (Who the hell)

帮我还击(难道是他要来到)

Help me against them (Is it him?)

老王：

Old Wang:

大家好!

Hello, everyone!

我是ceng功人士老王

I'm Old Wang, a suck-cessful man

带着犬子给你全家拜个年

I, with my son, am here to celebrate the new year for you and your family!

亲戚：

Relatives:

他满臂的手表 家里六十亩水稻

His arms fully covered with watches, he got 60 mu of rice fields

咱怎么比得了

How can we be so rich as him?

小王：

Little Wang:

不才A轮刚刚钱进来(他好厉害 惹人崇拜)

I just received my series-A (He's so great! Awesome!)

公司明年就要搬上海(人家的小孩 人家的小孩)

I gonna move my company to Shanghai next year (Other people's child! Other people's child!)

亲戚众：

Relatives:

他紧身的皮裤 门前十三辆路虎

He wears tight leather trousers, has 13 Land Rovers before the door

差距你心里应该有数

You should be aware of the gap between you and him

亲戚众：

Relatives:

Gloria!回老家工作吧!(我的宝贝)

Gloria! Come back to hometown and work! (My baby)

Gloria!跟我去相亲吧!(他们也是为你好)

Gloria! Go to the blind date! (They want the best for you)

亲戚奥义：

Their subtext:

你就不能做点正事老老实实给我辞职

Can't you do something right? Listen to us, just resign!

就你最不懂事就你最不懂事就你最不懂事就你最不懂事啦

You are the least sensible, the least sensible, the least sensible!

大姨：你知道错了吗?

Eldest Aunt: Are you aware of your mistake?

主人公：知道

Me: Yes

大姨：错哪儿啦?

Eldest Aunt: What's your mistake?

主人公：知道

Me: Yes

大姨：我问你错哪啦?

Eldest Aunt: I say, WHAT is your mistake?

(合唱团员换装备)

(Members of choir changing outfits)

主人公Rap：

Rap of Me:

我错在 人生规划太简单 还没读研就上班

My mistake: My career plan too simple; I began to work before going to graduate school

没听二叔的话去他的单位当个保安

I disobeyed my Second Uncle, he wanted me to be a guard at his institution

我错在 花开了不敢去摘

My mistake: I dared not pick blooming flowers

大学都不懂恋爱(I just wanna live my life)

I didn't know how to love when in college (I just wanna live my life)

喜欢的人不是学历太低就是身高太矮

My favorite are either not enough educated or too short

我应该 帮国足小组出线

I shoulda helped the national soccer team win

给宇宙飞船充电(让我自己选吧)

I shoulda recharge a space ship (Let me choose)

一家老小的愿望都交给我来实现

I shoulda fulfilled all dreams of my family

我应该 毕业一个月内 就任总裁

I shoulda become a CEO within a month after graduation

闪电相亲立马结婚生小孩最好是

I shoulda promptly attended a date, got married and had children

龙凤胎

And it's better to have twins, one son and one daughter

大姨：你是不是读书读傻了?

Eldest Aunt: You must be a nerd?

亲戚众：你是不是读书读傻了?

Relatives: You musta become a nerd!

主人公：没人能在我的BGM里战胜我

Me: No one can beat me in my BGM

主人公Rap：

Rap of Me:

我童年爬过树 冻伤国定路

I climbed trees, got frostbitten on Guoding Rd. in my childhood

跳过朝阳公园的广场舞 雾霾也没能将我征服

I danced in Chaoyang Park and overcame the smog

怎么会放弃我的理想(I just wanna live my life)

How can I give up my ideal (I just wanna live my life)

变成我最讨厌的模样(为什么你们都不明白)

And be the one I hate most (Why don't y'all know?)

我童年爬过树 冻伤国定路

I climbed trees, got frostbitten on Guoding Rd. in my childhood

跳过朝阳公园的广场舞 雾霾也没能将我征服

I danced in Chaoyang Park and overcame the smog

不想跟别人做对比(怎么会放弃我的理想)

Don't wanna be taken to comparison (I won't give up my ideal)

为什么要替我做决定(变成我最讨厌的模样)

Why interfere with my decision (be the one I hate most)

我童年爬过树 冻伤国定路

I climbed trees, got frostbitten on Guoding Rd. in my childhood

跳过朝阳公园的广场舞 雾霾也没能将我征服

I danced in Chaoyang Park and overcame the smog

各位亲爱的家人 我有我自己的人生

Dear family members, I have my own life

全家：

Whole family:

对不起对不起对不起对不起

Sorry, sorry, sorry...

老王 谁要跟你去攀比 前程自己拼才有意义

Old Wang, no one wants arms race with you; It's meaningful to work hard oneself!

收起我们的分歧 团圆才是我们的话题

Forget our conflict; Reunion is our very topic

搓麻将到天明

Let's play mahjong till the dawn!

大海参吃饱了没?

Have you had enough sea cucumber?

已经吃饱啦

Yes, I have!

棉毛裤穿上了没?

Are you wearing chill cool?

春节自救不仅靠智慧

To save oneself in the Spring Festival, not only wisdom

还需要爱常相随

But also love is needed

啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦

La la la la...

BANG

BANG

BANG

BANG

BANG BANG

BANG BANG

金承志：春节快乐

Jin Chengzhi: Happy Chinese New Year!